Playing with Food
by reticentrecluse
Summary: A look at Twilight from Edward's perspective.  If the Cullens were sociopaths.


**Disclaimer: Twilight, all associated characters, and everything in this universe are the property of Stephanie Meyer. I make no claim to it, and have no financial interest at stake.**

**A/N The Cullens in this story are not good people. The views they hold are not my views.**

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><p>Edward pulled into a parking space in front of the picnic benches. Too quickly and too quietly for any human to register that he spoke, even if they had been looking right at him, he muttered:<p>

"Hold on a second." His siblings looked at him expectantly, all except for Alice. She had seen what was going to happen as soon as he had picked this space, and she merely rolled her eyes and gave Jasper's hands a tight squeeze. Two girls were walking on the grass by the picnic benches. When they were less than a metre away from the front bumper, Edward released the clutch and the silver Volvo lurched forward. Both girls shrieked, and one fell down and dropped her purse. Jasper flinched. Edward quickly got out of the car and went to help the fallen girl. "Are you all right?" he asked. "Sorry about that, it's a new car, and you know how it can take a while to get comfortable with a new car."

"Yes… I'm Jessica," the girl said unsteadily as she tried to gather up all her scattered belongings.

"I'm Edward. Let me help you with that Jess," he said as he smoothly gathered up everything that had fallen out of her purse, and then scooped her up and set her on her feet. He didn't miss her quick gasp of surprise at how easily he managed that, nor did he miss the way her hand lingered just a fraction longer than was strictly necessary on his arm. "I hope I'm not going to put you out too much, but this is my first day here, and I don't know where anything is. Could you give me a quick tour before school starts?

Jessica didn't seem to mind giving him a tour at all. Edward grinned to himself, it looked like he had repeated the phrase 'new car' enough to firmly impress in her mind that he had money. And from the way she had 'tripped' two or three times while they were walking, always falling into him, it seemed that she didn't mind the feel of him picking her up and righting her.

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><p>Since it was the first day of school, it was only a half-day, just enough time to meet all the teachers and to get all of the course outlines. Edward met his siblings back at the car, and without a word they all got in and drove off. He could tell they weren't pleased with him. With a sigh he started speaking:<p>

"Rose, I'm sorry I dropped the clutch. I know you want me to take better care of these cars, and I promise that if something breaks in this car I'll fix it."

"Hah," Rose snorted, "don't even joke about that. The last thing these cars need is you trying to fix them up. Just try not to make a habit of it; not only is it bad for the cars, but you'll have everyone thinking we're bad drivers!" Edward shook his head mentally at that last sentiment, but he wasn't going to start something else right on the heels of his apology.

"And Jasper, I know that wasn't pleasant, and I –"

"Forget about it Edward," Jasper interrupted, "humans are always going to get scared, just give me some notice next time. Let me brace myself." When Jasper said that, Alice froze up, the vampire equivalent of a blush.

"Jazz, I'm sorry, I knew what he was going to do and I –" This time Jasper interrupted by kissing Alice on the lips.

When Edward stopped the car back at the house, he did it smoothly, catching Rosalie's eye in the rear view mirror and winking as he did so. She rolled her eyes at him, but she smiled as well, so he knew he had been forgiven for his earlier stunt.

"So what's your game this time Eddy?" Emmett asked.

"Same game I always play Em, 'Catch and Release'. How'd I do this time Jazz?"

"Do you really need me to tell you Edward?"

"No," he laughed. "After 60 years of high school, I have a pretty good idea of what it takes to hook a teenaged girl."

"How deep are you planning on going with this one?"

"I'm not sure yet Jazz, any requests?"

"It's been a few years since you've just gone for jealousy. The last four or five times you've pushed them all into grieving their broken hearts."

"At least if we don't count that girl who broke up with me, eh?"

"'Eh,' Eddy?" Emmett smirked, "those Canadians stick in your teeth for a bit, don't they?"

"Don't worry Edward," Alice chimed, "in a couple of years we can go and Esme can find out how much she regrets breaking up with you!"

Edward laughed again. The fact that the girl had broken up with him had been a bit of a bruise to his ego, but the idea of Esme paying her a visit was certainly something that would cheer him up. Esme and him were very much complements of each other, when it came to how they treated their food at least. Edward couldn't really enjoy a meal unless he had poked and prodded their psyche for a minimum of a week, and ideally for much longer. There was one old man that Edward had been paying visits to on and off for over 50 years. Esme never kept them as long as that, she rarely kept them as long as a full week even, their bodies were much more fragile than their minds.

"So does anyone have any fun classes this semester?" asked Emmett as they all walked into the house.

"My physics teacher has us scheduled for the double slit experiment very first class," complained Alice, "that experiment always gives me the worst headaches."

"I've been meaning to ask for a while now Alice, what do you see when they do that?" A voice from the top of the stairs called down.

"Just a huge headache," she groaned back. Carlisle came into view now, and came down the stairs.

"I guess that probably says something about how your predictions work."

"Speaking of that, Jazz, do you want to come with me and go check on how our portfolios are doing?"

Jasper and Alice went off into the study, allegedly to go tweak the portfolio. Edward was sure they would get around to that eventually, but if Emmett's snicker was any indication, he wasn't the only one who thought that the stock market wasn't their biggest concern.

"So is anything interesting going on at this school?" Carlisle asked. Edward just shook his head, he knew better than to tell Carlisle about his scheme.

"Not a thing," Emmett replied. "Let's go hunting, all those humans made me hungry."

"Careful," Carlisle cautioned. "You know the restrictions when we're in this area."

"Yeah, yeah, no humans. Don't want those wolves to get all uppity. They're probably dead now anyways, it's been what? Sixty years?"

"It doesn't matter. We gave our word, and if we ever want anyone to be able to trust us, we have to stick by it."

"Fine, fine," Emmett grumbled, although there was no real animosity in it. He really didn't mind eating animals; in fact there was usually more sport to it than there was in hunting humans.

"And that goes for you too Edward. Toy around with the humans all you want, but make sure you don't cause them any physical harm."

"Of course, Carlisle," Edward said. "You know me, it's all about the foreplay anyways." Emmett laughed.

"Says the hundred and forty year old virgin."

Edward just shook his head. As soon as he had seen the poster for that movie, he had known that he was going to spend the next decade at least with that nickname.

"You want me to try mating with a human?" Edward asked in disgust. "That's just this side of bestiality."

"And considering we're in high school all day, it'd probably make you a paedophile too," said Emmett.

"Actually, sixteen is the age of consent in Washington state," Carlisle noted dryly.

"It doesn't matter," Edward said, "I'm not interested anyways."

"Carlisle," Rosalie interjected, "where's Esme?"

"In the basement," said Carlisle, "we went hunting before you came back." Now that they were all silent, they could hear the telltale bleating of an animal in pain. "She should be up shortly, she's already been down there for more than an hour." As if on cue, the bleating stopped, and Esme came up from the basement. She smiled to see that them all, and gave them all hugs, before settling back on Carlisle's arm.

"Did you all have a good day of school? You all must be hungry. Off you go, come back when you're finished eating." Esme ushered them out of the house, and there was only the way that her hand was traveling up Carlisle's arm and down his back to indicate that her motivations weren't entirely altruistic.

Emmett, laughing, grabbed Rose and ran off to the north, while Edward decided to head off on his own, going east. The behaviour of his family was nothing new to him, six hours without sex and they all started going a little crazy, and he had no desire to be anywhere within a half dozen kilometres of Emmett and Rosalie when they finally stopped running.

Maybe being an eighty-nine year old virgin was actually a blessing, he mused. It certainly gave him a lot more time in a day, and he could use that time to figure out exactly how to manipulate people to get what he wanted. He decided that tonight he was going to head over to this Jessica's house, and see what he could find out. He hoped she didn't keep a diary, those almost made his games too easy, and what was life without a little challenge here and there?

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><p><strong>AN Chapter 1: **4 preposition ending sentences, 0 split infinitives. **Total: **4/0


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